The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

originally posted:

17:06:59 - Jul 20 2007





When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar... and the wine...:



A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was

full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things. Your family, your children, your faith, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter. Your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of

glasses of wine with a friend."

originally posted:

17:09:34 - Jul 20 2007







A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a twenty pound note. In the room of two hundred pepole, he asked, "Who would like this twenty pound note?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this twenty pound note to one of you but first, let me do this". He proceeded to crumple the bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth twenty pounds. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.

originally posted:

17:00:57 - Jul 20 2007









By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.



An angel appeared and said,



"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"



And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?



She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."



The angel was astounded at the requirements.



"Only two hands!? No way!



And that's just on the standard model?



That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish. "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."



The angel moved closer and touched the woman.



"But you have made her so soft, Lord."



"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."



"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.



The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate.



The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.



"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.



I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."



"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected,



"that's a tear!"



"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.



The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."



The angel was impressed.



"You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

COMMENTS

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Jaz
12:48 Apr 23 2008

okay considering this is on a mans page I am truly amazed. And I must admit this is very flattering to all women kind. Especially considering how many woman out there are far from being anything like this.

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POST COMMENT

originally posted

17:32:15 - Jul 20 2007







The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool

chemistry final exam.



The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it

with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure

of enjoying it as well.



Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs

heat)?



Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law

that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some

variant.



One student, however, wrote the following:



First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a

soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.



As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state

that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not

belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to

Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number

of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order

for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of

Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two

possibilities:



1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase

until all Hell breaks loose.



2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes

over.



So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during

my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep

with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last

night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is

endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is

That since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any

more souls and is extinct .... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the

existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra

kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

COMMENTS

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Jaz
12:51 Apr 23 2008

OMG lol that is so funny. I love it lol. would you mind if I share this with some of my friends?

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POST COMMENT

originally posted

16:12:45 - Aug 02 2007







According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently

was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put

it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their

lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the

maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a

major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then, there are educators...

originally posted

10:57:21 - Sep 01 2007





This is a story that time can't harm, I've loved bunnies ever since and I had the pleasure of hearing my dad read it to me -- I have since read it to my daughter numerous times.



Authour: Sam McBratney



-----------------------------------------

Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

"Guess how much I love you," he said.

"Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

"This much," said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. "But I love YOU this much," he said.

Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can reach." said Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

That is quite high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet.

"I love you all the way up to my toes!" he said.

"And I love you all the way up to your toes," said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.

"I love you as high as I can HOP!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down.

"But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare - and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above.

That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I could hop like that.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river," cried Little Nutbrown Hare.

"I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare.

That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky.

"I love you right up to the MOON," he said, and closed his eyes.

"Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far."

Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.

Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, "I love you right up to the moon - AND BACK."

originally posted

17:51:33 - Oct 18 2007





His arm had been twisted off completely. His leg ripped from the hip and laying lifeless beside his limp torso.

All around there lay four maybe five torsos with similar atrocities afflicted to their bodies even a head lay severed with eyes still open - it was a massacre.

The strange thing was, there was no blood anywhere.

Who or what could have done such a thing?!?!





Georges mum sighed as she looked on the bedroom floor -- "no more Action Men this year".

It wasn't the coughing

that carried her off,

it was the coffin

they carried her off in.

She may be the face I can't forget

The trace of pleasure or regret

Maybe my treasure or the prize I have to pay

She may be the song that summer sings

Maybe the children autumn brings

Maybe a hundred different things

Within the measure of a day



She may be the beauty or the beast

Maybe the famine or the feast

May turn each day into a Heaven or a Hell

She may be the mirror of my dreams

A smile reflected in a stream

She may not be what she may seem

Inside her shell....



She, who always seems so happy in a crowd

Whose eyes can be so private and so proud

No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She maybe the love that cannot hope to last

May come to leap from shadows in the past

That I remember 'till the day I die



She maybe the reason I survive

The why and wherefore kind of life

The one I care for through the rough and ready years



Me, I'll take the laughter and your tears

And make them all my souvenirs

And when she goes I've got to be

The meaning of my life is

She....She